Like pretty much everyone I've experienced unexpected tragedy and personal loss - discovering a loved one is very ill or has been in an accident, the death of a family member or close friend. Like pretty much everyone in the theatre business, I've experienced those life events in the midst of a show, during load in, and during tech. And, also like most people, I've gone the gamut of handling the grief - in some cases stoically where no one knew I had problems outside of work, to the other extreme of melting down publicly.

I've also experienced the spectrum of responses from supervisors and coworkers - amazing support and compassion, to near apathy and annoyance of the disruption to a particular project or shop.

And this past week, was one of those times where bad news reared it's ugly head - loosing a long time family friend to cancer.

For good or ill, the reality is, we're all going to go through hard times and no matter how ready we may be for bad news or loss, we all experience grief. The question becomes not if, but when we'll experience it - and when we do - how to grieve and still be functional and productive human beings.

I'm certainly not a physiologist or a counselor, but I don't think those qualifications are necessary to know that all human beings need to grieve a loss or tragedy in some way. And since I am neither a counselor or physiologist - I'm not going to say how anyone should go about grieving - but I will share my own experiences, and what I've found true for me.

First - I've learned that work is actually GOOD for me when I get bad news. Projects, shows, even the day to day routine of the work place is comforting and source of stability. Work is one of the few things that will keep my mind focused and help me through the initial shock of bad news. My own gut reaction is to leave work as soon as the phone call or email get to me and go home. That isn't the best course for me - because when I do go home - I just sit shell shocked, without crying or raging, or letting anything else come out.

But things will come out - and I have to let that happen. If I stuff down the tears or anger, or push the feelings away - they have a tendency to gain momentum, and when the do show up, are overwhelming. Also putting grief off leads me to a lot of guilt about not showing my love or honoring the person I'm grieving for.

When I get news at a time where I have to stay focused - I've learned that I have to take extra care of myself in order to stay on task - which isn't always easy - but is essential. Grief requires rest. We all need rest, but the biggest reaction my body has to any event or onslaught is shutting down. If I'm in tech or load in, I have to take that in to consideration. If I don't, I won't be functional. Not always easy - but remembering to make the most of my time I have away from work to sleep and recover, makes a big difference - even opting for a nap at dinner break rather than going home may be key.

Grief also requires me to make myself eat. Food looses it's appeal - but I won't make it if I don't eat. I break a lot of my own dietary rules - even eating ice cream out of the carton is better than not eating, if that's what I can get down.

Stress makes me forgetful. Having A.D.D. and a mediocre memory challenge me when I'm on firing on all cylinders - never mind when things are off kilter. I have to be doubly mindful of my calendar, to-do list, and commitments I've made. I set more alarms on my phone, write a lot more down, and try to review what's coming in the next few hours regularly so I don't blow off meetings or events.

Outside of my own care and feeding, I've learned it's best for me to communicate to my boss and coworkers that I've gone through something. I tend to be a private person, and not want to share bad news with the folks I work with - but if I've gone through something major, I'm not going to be myself. It's better for them to understand I'm not going to BE myself and why, even if I don't give them a lot of detail. Better to share a little than have them think I'm snappish or dull for no reason, or worse yet simply stink at my job.

Until next time cats and kittens - and good thoughts and hope for all who know exactly what I'm talking about.

~R